Gripes of a Petite Woman of Color

“Gripes of a petite woman of color”

Aug08-4

Have you ever noticed that while people are hesitant to call a woman “fat” to her face, they waste no time saying “You are so skinny, you make me sick”!  Do people think that is a compliment?  Not everyone has lived in the shoes of a petite woman of color so I’m here to share some insight and difficulties.

Automatic  toilets:  Imagine this – you’ve sat at your desk for a couple of minutes shaking your leg trying to hold it.  Finally you get up, sprint to the bathroom and feel relieved to let it all out.  You think to yourself “Man, I shouldn’t have had all of that water this morning!”  As the stream floods from your body, you shift your weight just a bit to reach for the toilet paper.  And then it happens – FLUSH!!!!!    You’re not done with the act, however, Mr. Automatic Toilet no longer feels your weight.  You sit up a little higher (while still squatting) in hopes that you don’t get splashed.  It sucks, it really does!

Nude Colored Hose:  whoever determined the exact shade of nude has never looked at my legs.  I love to wear dresses and when winter hits, a nice pair of hose make the thought of wearing a dress a little more bearable.  It’s a battle to walk into the hosiery aisle to find the perfect pair.  You don’t want to pay too much, because they are just hose.  But, you don’t want to pay too little because that run up your leg can make a great outfit look hideous.  I glance at the options: nude, suntan, jet brown, taupe and coffee.  A man has never approached me and said “Hey, sexy coffee” or “you sure look nice and taupe today” so I STILL don’t know what shade is best for me!

Blue jeans:  My mother blessed with a round backside. In high school it was called a bubble butt.  Since then it has also been called other things that may not be appropriate for all readers.  While it does great for a dress or a cute pair of shorts, jeans are the enemy.  I generally wear a size 2 (shut up) in clothing.  The jeans in that size are made for modeling looking chics that are straight up and down.  When I try a pair on, they usually get up to the middle of my thigh – and stop.  When I go a size larger, I have the big water spout poking out at the back top of the jeans.  I think jeans are a lost cause for me.   I’ll remain a part of the dress squad for as long as possible.

Rings:  It’s so refreshing to be walking through a store and in the window sits the perfect ring.  It’s calling out your name “buy me, love me, take me home forever”.  Its instant love when I look at the sign above it that reads “SALE”!  Jackpot!   I float on air through the store anxious to see it on my finger.  They tell me it’s a size 6 (most rings in the store are that size).  I ask if it can be sized.   ”Of course!” she says.   I just know this is my shining moment in jewelry history.  I tell them I wear a size 4 ¼ and the salesperson crinkles her nose.  “Hold on a sec,” she says.  She walks to the back of the store, with my ring, whispering to the jewelry expert guy.  Upon return, the smile has disappeared.  “We are so sorry, mam.  Unfortunately this ring can’t be sized down that small because the side stones will come loose on the setting.”  My heart is broken.  I walk up and down the aisle pointing to other possible substitutions.   ”Nope”, “No”, “Not that one”, “Sorry”  So like the little kid in the candy store with no money in his pockets, I walk out of the store with nothing but memories that could have been.

M.Y.  August 2008

From a Man’s Perspective

‘From a Man’s Perspective’

Aug08-3I’m yielding my column this week to my counterparts and letting the man’s voice come through.  I spent the past week interviewing men on their perspectives on dating.  These were all men that I have never dated and the majority were men that I have never even met.  The only things these men had in common are that they are OnyxLouisville readers and they are all 30-39 years old (and single).  I’d love to hear your perspective on this as well, so please click on the message board at the bottom to give your input.

How much weight is in a date?  First of all, a date is simply a date and nothing more.  Going on one date does not mean that you are exclusive with that person.  Most men date more than one person for an extended amount of time until they feel they are ready to settle down.  It may take several dates before a man knows that he is truly interested in getting to know you better.

In the club? The men also stated that when they go to out and meet a woman, they are generally interested in getting to know her better and not just take her home.  However women, be careful of the late night breakfast line!  Most men will take your number, but if they meet someone else that same night, will get that number also.  It’s all about options to find the right one.

But how do you know if he’s interested?  If a man is interested, he will call you on a regular basis.  He will initiate asking you to do things and inquire about you and your life.  ‘I will make her my hobby to learn, study and have fun with and hopefully love may grow.’  When he is not interested, he may call once a week (usually out of boredom) or hang out with you just because he needs something to do.  Some men are straight forward and will tell the person he is not interested while others will just let the situation slowly fade.

What’s attractive?  Men love a women with great style, personality and a sense of  humor.  They also like a great hairstyle.  Men dislike women that are loud, burp, curse a lot and don’t take care of themselves.  Most don’t mind a woman with one child.   But having a van full of kids changes the story.

What about sex?  The average amount of time and man will wait to have sex with someone is two to three months.  Few would have sex on the first date, but others would be more cautious.  Some (not most) will even have sex with more than one person.  It is not until a conversation is had that a man and a woman enter into an exclusive relationship.  I asked one guy why sex and exclusivity are not synonymous.  His answer was simple, but true – greed!

Pet peeves about dating in Louisville?  Many men said that women want men to bring a lot to the table, yet don’t have anything to offer in return.  Some women are stuck up – when a man approaches them with a simple hello, women give a fake smirk and turn their back. Women are also bringing baggage from previous relationships and automatically assume each man will treat her the same way.  Men want women to put more trust into the new man instead of making the man prove his worth.   Louisville is a haven for dating someone that your friend has dated.  While this can often be frustrating, most men would still give a woman a chance that only casually went on a date with one of his friends.

So, what’s all this mean?  Since I don’t know most of these men, yet assume their answers are all true, I do think men are really looking ultimately to settle down.  I think they take a different approach than most women.  However, it all boils down to their actions.  Men (and women) can say all that they want to, but it’s their actions that truly tell you what’s going on.  Who initiates most of the conversations?   Is he spending quality time with you or always giving you an excuse that he’s busy?  Is she showing you that she cares or solely waiting for you to do something for her?  If he/she hasn’t told you it’s exclusive, then don’t make the assumption!

As we enter a new month, I encourage everyone to participate in OnyxLouisville’s ‘DATE ONLY ONE PERSON’ month.  Try it.  For the month of September focus your attention on only one person and see where the situation can lead.  Trust me, you won’t miss out on anything, but could gain true romance!  You have a little over a week to take applications and determine the winner!  I can’t create the DATE ONLY ONE PERSON month, unless I participate so I guess I’ll end so I can get started!

M.Y. August 2008

The Good, the Bad and the U-G-L-Y

‘The good, the bad and the u-g-l-y’

Aug08-2I learn a lot from my married friends and vice versa.  They find both excitement and humor in the happenings of today’s single world.  Who needs reality tv when you can just talk about what you did over the weekend?Here are some of my recent adventures. Names have been changed to protect…. (well not really to protect anyone, but nicknames sound much better).
‘Mr. Out of Town’
The good:  He took me on a tour of San Diego so I could see all the sights that I didn’t get to see while at my conference.  The bad:  He chose to see the movie ‘Don’t Mess with the Zohan’ (it wasn’t that bad of a movie).  The ugly:  While pulling into the parking spot at the theatre, I hear a screech sound.  We get out and there is a large white line all along the passenger side of his black Navigator from where his car hit the pole. (He actually had a good attitude about it and didn’t let it bother him the rest of the night)

‘Mr. Executive’
The good: while at a competition out of town, he offers to buy me a hotel room (one that doesn’t include him) so that I won’t have to drive home late at night.  The bad: he leaves my place and once arriving home out of town says he thinks he left his credit card holder at my house.  The ugly: I find the card holder and happen to glance at his driver’s license (I was curious) – only to discover that he is five years older than he told me.  (Why lie?  Is 39 really that different than 44?)

‘Dr. Ho’
The good: we attend an outdoor concert together and share our first kiss while slow dancing and being serenaded by a classic song.  The bad:  On our first date, he randomly, out of the blue, feels the need to tell me he hasn’t been circumcised.  The ugly:  After several more dates he tells me that he wants to take about six months to get to know me, however, if it were up to him, we’d be having sex since day one. (Wow, some thoughts are much better kept on the inside – and from a distance!)

‘Young Ivy League’
The good: Although younger in age, he’s a Harvard grad with a lot going on for him.  The bad:  We know some of the same people, yet many people said they question his character.  The ugly: On a ‘date’ he takes me to a car wash – in an alley – in a guy’s garage – a garage filled with about 20 dudes – all of which are smoking and drinking – and he pulls out a beer and asks if I want one. (I am not your hommie from the hood!)

M.Y.  August 2008

The Dating Game

“The Dating Game”
Aug08-1I HATE the dating game because that’s really all it is – a game.  I took a short break from figure competing  toward the end of May and also actively jumped back into the dating scene after a lengthy hiatus.  It has been an interesting experience and one that I can say I don’t miss.

First let me explain my dating philosophy – 1. You meet various people and ‘hang out’ with them.  2. You find someone you’re interested in, and you exclusively date that person.  3. You like him/her, he/she likes you and you establish a relationship.

In June, I met a plethora of nice, single men in some of the most random places (I attribute it to the short haircut!)  Examples: I met a flight attendant from VA at my gym, I met a guy from Louisville at the airport in Denver, a guy from Cincy at a competition, one online, one person was introduced through a mutual friend -.  None of them were men I met in the club.  It was great to have multiple dates in one week and meet some wonderful men doing great things with their life. However, at some point emotions get involved and the game gets more intense.

Some of these men  developed feelings for me.  For some odd reason, one guy thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread.  And while I think he’s a nice person, that’s where it stops.  I enjoy the conversation but don’t see him as the next “Mr. Yeager”.  For the most part I’ve been just enjoying the ride trying to see where all of these situations could lead me.  There were a couple of times where I thought I’d move to phase 2 with a gentleman, but I think it was just gas since the thought didn’t stay around too long.

Also, Louisville is such a small place, especially for black young professionals.  There is a great chance that the person you date has either dated one of your friends or at least someone you know.  If you’re both in the ‘hanging out’ phase, you run the risk of both being out to the same movies or a restaurant (on dates with other people).  And timing also plays a major role.  If I would have met my “Mr. Right” back in March, I wouldn’t have given him the time of day because I was constantly with my man “gym”.  You have to BOTH be in the right place at the right time in order for it to work.

Everyone comes into your life for a reason.   I am blessed for each man I have met and have learned a lot about myself in the process.  I know that my other half is somewhere out in the world and I feel like he is just around the corner.  If you’ve met him, make sure you tell him where to find me. Until then, I will be patient until it is our time to meet.

M.Y. August 2008

Have You Hugged Your Child Today?

“Have You Hugged Your Child Today?”

July08-5Woman #1: You’re 26 years old and enjoying the joys of being a new mother.  You’ve also had a successful second year of teaching middle school and know that in less than a week you’ll celebrate your first Mother’s Day.  Then the principal comes to your classroom to tell you that something has happened to your baby at daycare and he is on the way by ambulance to the hospital.  And, in less than an hour, you’ve lost your joy.

Woman #2: You take pride in seeing your three grown children becoming wonderful adults.  You now have several grandchildren and couldn’t be more proud.  Although some of your kids have moved away, you still talk to them all regularly.  It’s a typical Sunday, until you received the call.  You middle child, age 32, was killed in a motorcycle accident in California.  His wife and four kids are at a loss.  So are you.
Woman #3:  Your kids are your heart.  It’s very rare that people see you without your 2 year old son and 4 year old daughter.  You want them to get more involved in activities.  Your daughter decides to play t-ball.  Her two year old brother loves to go to the games and watch.  As she takes a practice swing, he runs up behind her.  The bat accidently hits him in the chest and he never recovers.  This isn’t the way life was supposed to happen.
Unfortunately, these are all real Louisville mothers who have buried their children this year.  It’s hard when you watch these situations on the news, but when you see firsthand the people affected by these tragedies, it takes a major toll.  Each of these women personally affected my life and I know they are not the only ones with these experiences.  Even though I do not have children of my own, it makes me hope that we will all take time to appreciate our children.  So many people assume their children will watch them grow old (and hopefully not put them in a nursing home!).  However, we are unfortunately seeing that some of our children will not live to see that day.  Whether you have a strong, non-existent, or typical relationship with your children, take some time today to let them know how much you care and how proud you are of them.   Children, whether 9 months or 79 years old, can never hear that enough.  You’re never too young or old to hear someone say “I LOVE YOU!”

M.Y.  July 2008

Freedom Schools 2008

’Freedom Schools’

CLICK HERE to watch the video of the children performing the song

July08-4

The higher you build your barriers
The taller I become
The farther you take my rights away
The faster I will run
You can deny me
You can decide to turn your face away
No matter, cos there’s….

 

Something inside so strong
I know that I can make it
Tho’ you’re doing me wrong, so wrong
You thought that my pride was gone
Oh no, something inside so strong
Oh oh oh oh oh something inside so strong

The more you refuse to hear my voice
The louder I will sing
You hide behind walls of Jericho
Your lies will come tumbling down
Deny my place in time
You squander wealth that’s mine
My light will shine so brightly
It will blind you
Cos there’s……

Something inside so strong
I know that I can make it
Tho’ you’re doing me wrong, so wrong
You thought that my pride was gone
Oh no, something inside so strong
Oh oh oh oh oh something inside so strong

Brothers and sisters
When they insist we’re just not good enough
When we know better
Just look ‘em in the eyes and say
I’m gonna do it anyway

*These are the words that are performed at during Harambee at 9:00am every morning during Freedom Schools – a literacy initiative for inner city youth.  They are powerful words.  Hopefully the students will believe the message and know that they can make a difference!
The words came full circle for me when I saw Ms. Janet at the event.  She works with pre-school programs. As she turned around to ask me a question, I said, ‘Do you know who I am?’  She looked at me and started crying, ‘This was one of my babies, Michelle Yeager!’  She made a difference on my life in my youth as the director of my after school program.  I was honored to see she was still influencing young lives, and she was honored to see the adult I had become.

M.Y.  July 2008