Tag Archives: advice

Friendly Update

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Friendly Update

Apr10-1Thanks for all of the wonderful input to my recent situation (see below to read them all).  As mentioned last week, I had already acted on my decision, but was just curious to others’ perspectives.

So – here’s what happened.  “New guy” and I went out to eat and came back to my house afterwards.  As I pull in the driveway, there is a limo sitting in my driveway.  I do a double take (because I know I went to prom over 15 years ago) and out steps “guy” in a tuxedo.  My mouth drops.  As my mouth drops, “guy” drops to one knee and “new guy” says “Oh he!! no!”…… (April Fools Day!  The day falls on a Thursday once every 7 years – I had to do it! LOL!)

So here’s what really happened.  The day I received the last set of flowers, I really had to reflect on all that was happening.  Here I had a genuine friend that now feels he cares the absolute world for me. It was hard, because for 4 days he’d just be my friend and say he understood my situation, then out of the blue he’d pop out some emotion. (it was like Groundhog’s Day every week).  On the other hand, with “new guy” I met an amazing man that brings a smile to my face whenever I see him.  I saw “guy” twice this year and felt no strong connection.  I realized that “guy” came from a family and amazing lifestyle that people would dream about.  “New guy” had none of those things, but what he could offer was a heart of gold.  So, when I erased all the material things and just looked at the man – I knew exactly what I needed to do.

That night I emailed “guy” the following: “I find myself in a difficult situation.  I really appreciate your friendship and thought that with my new situation that we could remain friends.  But with every day that we are friends, there also comes the situations of you expressing your thoughts for me.  I understand that you care about me.  I knew that the first time you mentioned it. I fully understand that you think that you and I should be together and that you are the best person for me.  But, I am dating someone and only want to see where my situation with him can lead.  I want to be married and start a family.  It would be an amazing thing.  I know that if I want to be in a successful relationship, I have to be able to dedicate myself fully to someone regardless of possible distractions.  So I ask that you ‘halt’ the conversations/actions about ‘us’.  I truly appreciate your friendship, but I can’t continue to be your friend on these terms.”

“Guy” emailed back “I understand and will respect your wishes. You deserve nothing but the best and I’m sure your goals will be achieved.” and that was that.  He stopped calling and although he has sent an occasional friendly text or email, he has given me my space.

“New guy” knew about the entire situation from the very first day it started.  He always said he knew he couldn’t offer me the things that “guy” had, but he never felt that “guy” was any type of competition because he understood the connection we had.  Since omitting the distraction, my relationship with “new guy” has grown.  It’s amazing how much more can happen in life when we eliminate distractions (no matter how large or small they are).  So often, we look for the person with the qualities that look good ‘on paper’.  In the process we skip over many gems that can offer special qualities from ‘within’.  Life is all about taking a chance. You never know the outcome, but usually learn a lot about yourself in the process.  I also learned that although I would love to control the timing of everything that happens in my life, sometimes I just need to let God do his thing and embrace all the blessings put in front of me.

M.Y. April 2010

Friendly Love?

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Friendly love?

Mar10-4We met two years ago in September 2008 (I’ll call him ‘Guy’). He lives up north.  He liked me.  I liked him.  We got along great.  We took a trip together to a beach.  We survived a hurricane.  A week later he calls.  His ex is moving back to his area and they are going to try to work things out.  My response – Good luck buddy, don’t call me in a month when it doesn’t work out.

He calls. He calls again.  I have no interest in helping him have his cake and eat it to.  I say no phone calls, we can be friends by text or email.  His relationship ends (surprise, surprise).  Months go by.  Christmas arrives.  Tis the season so I say he can call and wish me a happy holiday.  We become friends.  February 2009, he invites me to a Celtics/Lakers game.  Good game.  Good time.  Nothing major chemistry wise.  April arrives.  He expresses an interest.  My response – Sorry buddy, I just got in a relationship.  You had your chance last year.

I stay in the relationship all year.  He and I stay friends.  Boyfriend and I break up end of last year.  He knows this but makes no moves.  I see him end of January 2010 when I go to Boston for a fitness camp.  We have a friendly dinner. No emotions expressed.  I meet a new guy.  Valentine’s Day this year comes around.  New guy and I have an amazing date. Excited to see where it can lead.  ‘Guy’ calls five times that day.  I call back after my date.  ‘Guy’ wants to visit here.  My response – ‘Sorry buddy, I just started dating someone’

‘Guy’ says that I need to give he and I am real chance and he regrets letting me go two years ago. I say ‘your loss’ and keep dating new guy.  ‘Guy’ send flowers to my work that say ‘Just Because’.  I tell guy that I only believe in dating one person at a time and want to see where my current situation could lead.  ‘Guy’ continues to express his emotions.  ‘Guy’ send flowers to me at my competition.  ‘Guy’ flies in to watch my competition. Guy tell me I am the person he is supposed to spend the rest of his life with.  I keep dating new guy.

New guy and I take a mini-food vacation to catch up on everything I missed eating.  ‘Guy’ knows I’m out of town with new guy.  I return to work (this is just last week).  Co-worker walks in and delivers two dozen red roses and an original love poem. The first letter of each poem even spells out my name.  Now I’m put in a very awkward position.
So here are my questions for you – 1. Is it acceptable for someone to make that strong of moves on you even when they know you are dating someone?  2. Should I give ‘Guy’ a chance since he finally came to his senses?  3. Should I stay with new guy since he appreciated me from the beginning?  4. Can I still be friends with this person once he has expressed such strong emotions?  5. Do you believe that everything happens for a reason and if ‘Guy’ and I were meant to be together then timing would have made it happen?  6. What do you say to ‘Guy’ and new guy?

Please email your thoughts, I’ll share what I did next week!

M.Y.  March 2010

True Love vs Time

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“True love vs time- your input needed”

Girl meets boy.  Boy meets girl.  Girl likes boy.  Boy likes girl.  Boy tells girl, “Although I care a lot about you, I am not in a place where I can be in a relationship with you. I’m 34, lost my job and I’ve had to move back home with my parents. Please be patient with me.”  Girl runs and tells her best female friends what he says.  Girl’s friends say, “If he really likes you, he’d want to be with you regardless of his situation.”  Girl disagrees and feels they don’t understand.  What do you think?

Your input is needed.  Do you think someone (in this instance a man) can really meet his possible future mate, but not dedicate himself fully because he is not in a place where he is stable and/or feels he can provide all the things he’d like to in a relationship? Or, do you believe that love is love and regardless of what is going on in your life, that when you meet someone that may have potential – you give it a shot?  Or maybe you have a completely different opinion.  Let me know your thoughts.

And let me define a relationship before you email your opinion.  I’m not talking about a booty call on the first of every month or a random trip to the movies when you get bored.  I’m talking about a genuine, committed relationship.  Can you truly date someone whom you have strong feelings, yet be hesitant to fully commit in a relationship until you feel more secure about yourself?  Are relationships about timing or just about true love?  Bonus question: If a man does say he’s not ready to commit, should the female stay around?  Enlighten me people!!

M.Y.  December 2007